Changing Family
Separation and divorce groups are very important resources for our students. Although hopefully parents try to make the transition as painless as possible children are impacted in many ways.
Changing family groups can come in all different shapes and sizes depending on the developmental stages of the student. Regardless of the mixture of students there are several main concepts that are imparative to understand prior to running a changing family group. Groups are made up of 5-8 students and run for 30 minutes. Generally there are 10 group sessions.
Although we expect our students to stay focused on schoolwork it is often very difficult for our students to leave the worries of home at home. I have shared with my teachers this example. When students are dealing with stressful home issues it is like trying to learn with a grocery paperbag over the head. You hear what is going on in the classroom but it is not being absorbed. Giving the student a place to acknowledge the paper bag and hopefully remove it is a gift to the student and his/her learning will resume.
Here are some basic assumptions that I bring into the changing family groups
1. Work with the student where he/she is not where the parents or counselor wants them to be.
2. Although there are several important concepts for the student to understand regarding divorce, it is best to have the child discover the concepts through experiences rather than to be "told" or "taught" them.
3. Children learn and express themselves through creative play. Always provide alternative ways of telling their stories, thoughts and feelings.
4. Try different ways of group composition.
5. Group content/process format
b. Go around in brainstorm
c. Draw picture and make book of reasons
d. Read book such as Dinosaurs Divorce by Marc Brown.
b. Anger from loss
c. Bargaining
d. Depression - which I call deep sadness
e. Acceptance
Please refer to Play therapy Resources for creative ways for group activities.
Changing family groups can come in all different shapes and sizes depending on the developmental stages of the student. Regardless of the mixture of students there are several main concepts that are imparative to understand prior to running a changing family group. Groups are made up of 5-8 students and run for 30 minutes. Generally there are 10 group sessions.
Although we expect our students to stay focused on schoolwork it is often very difficult for our students to leave the worries of home at home. I have shared with my teachers this example. When students are dealing with stressful home issues it is like trying to learn with a grocery paperbag over the head. You hear what is going on in the classroom but it is not being absorbed. Giving the student a place to acknowledge the paper bag and hopefully remove it is a gift to the student and his/her learning will resume.
Here are some basic assumptions that I bring into the changing family groups
1. Work with the student where he/she is not where the parents or counselor wants them to be.
- Yes, it is helpful to share your feelings with others, however some students are fearful of their thoughts and feelings.
- Yes, it is helpful to accept the divorce and that parents will not get back together, but the student may not be able to accept the reality at this time.
- Yes, it is helpful to find appropriate ways of dealing with anger, yet from the child's perspective it is justified anger. Forcing a student to stuff this anger may bring up bigger concerns in the future.
2. Although there are several important concepts for the student to understand regarding divorce, it is best to have the child discover the concepts through experiences rather than to be "told" or "taught" them.
- Concept one: It is not your fault. You did not cause your parents fighting, separation, or divorce.
- Concept two: You are not alone. There are others who are experiencing what you are. Don't try to deal with this on your own.
- Concept three: There are several stages of the grief process and this is one of those times when you will be feeling grief. Learn the stages of grief so you will know what to expect.
- Concept four: At each developmental stage you will experience new thoughts and feelings to work through.
- Concept five: Never shut down communication with your parents. Find ways to develop a relationship with both of your parents regardless of what the other parent says or does to stop it.
- Concept six: Although it is never easy when your experience a crisis it is always an opportunity for growth and learning about yourself.
- Concept seven: It is not the child's responsibility to replace either parent or to take care of the parent's emotional, social, or physical needs.
3. Children learn and express themselves through creative play. Always provide alternative ways of telling their stories, thoughts and feelings.
4. Try different ways of group composition.
- Same developmental stages and age. For example I'll take a group of chldren in the same grade whose parents are divorce and set up a group.
- Same time frame. For example I'll put together a group of students whose parents have been divorced for the same length of time. ( This is particularly helpful for older students whose parents have been divoced for many years) I'll put together a group of students whos parents are just beginning the divorce process.
- Mixed ages/ developmental stages but same time frame
- Mixed ages/developmental stages and different time frames
5. Group content/process format
- Session One: Establishing relationship, reviewing purpose of the group, ground rules
- Session Two: Establishing relationship continuation. Generally this is done with an art activity of some type where the student draws their family or draws a scene in their home. Then shares it with the group.
- Session Three: Finish up sharing. It is important not to rush this relationship bulding process. During this session I spend time doing linking exercises. I'l ask the students who they connected with, who shared commonalities, etc. I'll ask students to talk about who they would like to learn more about or ask questions to.
- Session Four: Exploring concept one. I'll either have an exercise or discussion. I'll ask the students if they've ever wondered what causes parents to divorce. This is not there particular family but any family. Generally the students share what has happened in their home. This exercise can be done in a variety of ways.
b. Go around in brainstorm
c. Draw picture and make book of reasons
d. Read book such as Dinosaurs Divorce by Marc Brown.
- Session Five: I ask the students what they are discovering after looking at all the reasons for divorce. After paraphrasing and reflecting their responses. I ask an "I wonder question". I'll share with the students, "You know I've been running groups for a long time and sometimes a student will say they are the reason the parents are getting a divorce. I wonder what you all think of this?" The bottom line is the child is never the reason parents choose divorce.
- Session Six: This session is mostly an educational session. We are entering the next phase of the group process so I like to give the students a chance to listen rather than share. Thus far they have worked hard emotionally. I share with them the stages of grief that happen when the family changes due to separation or divorce. Generally I have a sharing or exercise for each stage.
b. Anger from loss
c. Bargaining
d. Depression - which I call deep sadness
e. Acceptance
- Session Seven - Nine: We continue learning about these stages though activities such art, sharing, puppet play. These are only introductions to these stages. I don't ask the students to identify where they are but sometimes the older students or those who have been dealing with divorce for sometime will address it.
- Session Ten: Closure. The first part of this last session I have the children to ask an "I wonder question" This could be a question they would like to ask their parents or another person from the group. The last part of the group we do a go around where each student shares something they discovered from group.
Please refer to Play therapy Resources for creative ways for group activities.
From my Counseling Room
This group consisted of 8 students whose parents had been divorced for at least 5 years or more. The ages ranged from 3rd to 6th grade. Two of the students parents divorced when they were 3 years old and the others when they were 6 or 7 years old. As I listened to the students sharing their pictures of their families it became clear to me that they had accepted their situation. The students were able to intellectualize all the reasons for divorce with a very "adult list" of reasons. Their answers were very well defined. "My parents never stopped loving me, just stopped loving each other" , " My dad spends more time with me now that they are divorced, so it is okay with me"
On one of the sessions one of the students asked an "I wonder" question to the group. He asked, "I wonder if it was really me that cause the divorce, even though my parents told me over and over again that I didn't." As with the I wonder questions, other children get a chance to make a connection and thus each of the students began to tell their story. One student recalled a dinner when he squirted too much catsup out of the bottle onto his hot dog and all of a sudden his parents were yelling at each other. Another student told about the night his parents went out to an office party. He was suppose to go to bed but he waited up for them. When the car pulled into the driveway he ran out to meet them. His parents yelled at him to get back in the house immediately. The next day his mom was crying all day and his dad told him they were getting a divorce. Another student said he had gotten a few notes from his first grade teacher about his behavior at school. He overheard his parents arguing about the teacher. Lastly, a student shared that she was always afraid at night and couldn't fall asleep unless her mom laid down with her. Sometimes in the morning the mom was still there. When her parents said they were getting a divorce she was sure she had caused it.
At this point, as a counselor and facilitator, it is very tempting to comfort these students and TELL THEM that they did not cause their parents divorce but if this is done, the students are robbed of the opportunity to discover this for themselves and to learn from each other. Clearly they can see that squirting the catsup did not cause the divorce since it happened to the other person and not them. This is where process is so important (see All About Groups) I thanked the student for his I wonder question and asked him what he discovered from the question. He said that he wasn't alone and that other kids wonder if they caused it also.
In our next few sessions we reviewed the stages of grief. On the session where we talk about deep sadness I had the students draw pictures of what sadness they might have. There was dead silence in the room as they drew. As they shared their pictures several of them drew the scene they had described a few weeks prior. As we began to process what they were discovering one of the students made the connection. "Some of us have deep sadness because we think we caused the divorce even if we have adjusted just fine."
As we began to close out the changing family group I asked them to share what they've learned or can take away from being in the group. One student said, " I learned that when Billy told his story that he caused the divorce because he squirted catsup, there was no way that was the real reason. Sorry Billy but that is just too small of a reason for a divorce." Then another student spoke up, "Well it is pretty ridiculous that just staying up too late and going outside started the divorce. Your mom and dad were probably fighting in the car." " Well, I don't know maybe getting notes from your teacher could cause a divorce." Suddenly the kids in the group started laughing and crying at the same time. It was that "ah ha" moment for them. One of the students said, "Hey, I just discovered something. It is true what our parents told us. We really didn't cause the divorce. They probably all had a lot of stuff going on that we didn't know about."
Groups don't always have this "ah ha" moment. But, the changing family groups do plants seeds of growth and as the students go through their grief process the group gives them a different perspective to explore.
On one of the sessions one of the students asked an "I wonder" question to the group. He asked, "I wonder if it was really me that cause the divorce, even though my parents told me over and over again that I didn't." As with the I wonder questions, other children get a chance to make a connection and thus each of the students began to tell their story. One student recalled a dinner when he squirted too much catsup out of the bottle onto his hot dog and all of a sudden his parents were yelling at each other. Another student told about the night his parents went out to an office party. He was suppose to go to bed but he waited up for them. When the car pulled into the driveway he ran out to meet them. His parents yelled at him to get back in the house immediately. The next day his mom was crying all day and his dad told him they were getting a divorce. Another student said he had gotten a few notes from his first grade teacher about his behavior at school. He overheard his parents arguing about the teacher. Lastly, a student shared that she was always afraid at night and couldn't fall asleep unless her mom laid down with her. Sometimes in the morning the mom was still there. When her parents said they were getting a divorce she was sure she had caused it.
At this point, as a counselor and facilitator, it is very tempting to comfort these students and TELL THEM that they did not cause their parents divorce but if this is done, the students are robbed of the opportunity to discover this for themselves and to learn from each other. Clearly they can see that squirting the catsup did not cause the divorce since it happened to the other person and not them. This is where process is so important (see All About Groups) I thanked the student for his I wonder question and asked him what he discovered from the question. He said that he wasn't alone and that other kids wonder if they caused it also.
In our next few sessions we reviewed the stages of grief. On the session where we talk about deep sadness I had the students draw pictures of what sadness they might have. There was dead silence in the room as they drew. As they shared their pictures several of them drew the scene they had described a few weeks prior. As we began to process what they were discovering one of the students made the connection. "Some of us have deep sadness because we think we caused the divorce even if we have adjusted just fine."
As we began to close out the changing family group I asked them to share what they've learned or can take away from being in the group. One student said, " I learned that when Billy told his story that he caused the divorce because he squirted catsup, there was no way that was the real reason. Sorry Billy but that is just too small of a reason for a divorce." Then another student spoke up, "Well it is pretty ridiculous that just staying up too late and going outside started the divorce. Your mom and dad were probably fighting in the car." " Well, I don't know maybe getting notes from your teacher could cause a divorce." Suddenly the kids in the group started laughing and crying at the same time. It was that "ah ha" moment for them. One of the students said, "Hey, I just discovered something. It is true what our parents told us. We really didn't cause the divorce. They probably all had a lot of stuff going on that we didn't know about."
Groups don't always have this "ah ha" moment. But, the changing family groups do plants seeds of growth and as the students go through their grief process the group gives them a different perspective to explore.