Strategies
Conflict with Friends or Classmates
As elementary school counselors one of the most frequent reasons student ask to see us involves conflicts between friends or classmates. Group projects and cooperative learning groups set the stage for conflicts as well.
Part of the comprehensive counseling program includes monthly guidance lessons. Starting in 2nd grade student learn about conflicts and continue through 4th grade. When a student comes to see me regarding a personal conflict with friend or classmate(s) the lessons on conflict are referred to and personalized.
Developing a Conflict Resolution Program at your school is very important. Refer to my blog for how to set up this program.
Here is an example of the process:
Conflicts with Friendships
It is often helpful to review the presentation How Did I Lose that Friend and talk about what student might have done differently to prevent the conflict from occurring with friend(s). Have the student write his/her own Dear Pandy letter and then talk out possible solutions to the story.
Conflicts with Bully
When a student ask to see the counselor and it appears to be a situation when bullying takes place the counselor needs to handle this in a different manor. Never set up meetings between students if a bully is involved. Nothing gives a bully more power than to meet and set up an agreement of action.
When a student reports a bullying incident the counselor needs to report the incident to the administration and action needs to be taken immediately. Counselors and administration need to meet and determine a standard plan of action. One component of the plan could include having bully work with counselor.
Part of the comprehensive counseling program includes monthly guidance lessons. Starting in 2nd grade student learn about conflicts and continue through 4th grade. When a student comes to see me regarding a personal conflict with friend or classmate(s) the lessons on conflict are referred to and personalized.
Developing a Conflict Resolution Program at your school is very important. Refer to my blog for how to set up this program.
Here is an example of the process:
- The student comes to the counselor with a complaint about a classmate or friendship issue.
- The student has a chance to tell what is occurring and how he/she feels about it and the counselor reflects, paraphrases, and summarizes.
- The counselor then says, "Looks like you are in a conflict. Do you remember the guidance lesson when we talked about how conflicts happen when you don't get what you want?" Let's see if we can't look at this situation closer. What would you say that it is that you want? What would you say it is that your classmate wants?"
- Student shares thoughts.
- Counselor asks, "Did you and your classmate get on the conflict escalator? You know, it's okay if you did. It is pretty hard not to get on. Let's look at each persons part. ? At this time the counselor draws the escalator and fills in what each student has done as they ascend. Often it is only one sided and it takes time to clearly see what has occurred.
- Counselor then ask how student would like to proceed. "So, as we look over all this there are a few things that might help. You can think over what you would like to happen next. First, we could ask your classmate to come in and see if we can't find a way to work this out. Where you both can get what you want. Or another option is for us to work together and find some ways you can talk with your classmate on your own and let him/her understand better as to what you want. Do you remember how we learned to give I messages? We can come up with that together and then you would give your classmate the I message. Or, if you don't want to give an I message then we can come up with an idea of something you could do that would change or help resolve the conflict. (say sorry, compromise, skip it, etc) Lastly, you can just talk to me about your feelings and wait and see if it happens again. Then you could decide the best action to take.
- Student shares what he/she feels is the best option for this situation.
- If the first option then we meet as a small group and basically do a mediation/problem solving session.
- If the second option is selected then together we work up an I message (When ______ I feel _____ and I would like ______________) We practice using the puppets and figure out the best time and place to give the I message.
- If the third option is selected then the counselor reflects more on the students feelings such as frustrated, sad, mad, worried etc and set a time to check in again after a few days to see how he/she is feeling. Many times student in the elementary grades just want to tell someone what happened and not necessarily need something to be done to stop it.
Conflicts with Friendships
It is often helpful to review the presentation How Did I Lose that Friend and talk about what student might have done differently to prevent the conflict from occurring with friend(s). Have the student write his/her own Dear Pandy letter and then talk out possible solutions to the story.
Conflicts with Bully
When a student ask to see the counselor and it appears to be a situation when bullying takes place the counselor needs to handle this in a different manor. Never set up meetings between students if a bully is involved. Nothing gives a bully more power than to meet and set up an agreement of action.
When a student reports a bullying incident the counselor needs to report the incident to the administration and action needs to be taken immediately. Counselors and administration need to meet and determine a standard plan of action. One component of the plan could include having bully work with counselor.
From my Counseling Room
Simon was a new 4th grade student who desperately wanted to make friends. Unfortunately he had very few filters and would say the first thought that came to mind. For example, unknown to him one of the students had gone through many eye surgeries since kindergarten. All her classmates knew how sensitive she was about her glasses and sometime eye patches and respected her privacy. She wanted to be treat just like everyone else. Simon, being the curious, questioning boy that he was asked her one day at lunch why she made a funny face reading and why she had the patch on her eye. Simon believed he was just making conversation and Eva thought he was mocking her. There were several incidents such as these and quickly Simon was excluded and ignored. I received a note from him saying, "I have no friends. HELP." and I receive many notes from his classmates complaining about his meanness. It was a classic elementary school conflict.
The first step was to meet with the students individually and hear their thoughts about what was going on. Although Simon had missed the series of lessons about conflict and conflict resolution he was able to state very clearly what he wanted. Friends ! In one of our sessions I gave him a mini lesson about conflict stating that conflicts happen when you don't get what you want and that it seems like he was now in a conflict with several of his classmates.
I did not meet with the other students in a group. It is tempting to do so since all students had complaints about Simon and it takes much time meeting with them individually but it is important not to set up situations where it appears to be a group against one. Each student had their own personal conflict and the solution might be different for each.
As I met with the other individuals we looked at what they wanted and looked at the conflict escalator to see if they had taken Simon's invitation onto the escalator and gone up. Most all of the students had responded by making rude, hurtful comments back to Simon. Reinforcing the point that going up the conflict escalator both students end up not getting what they wanted we set out to figure a way down.
First, we met in pairs as each student shared what they wanted and we talked about ways it could work. Some students just wanted an apology from Simon, others wanted him to stop and most wanted to have him leave them alone. Simon shared each time that he wanted friends. I knew the students who were unhappy with Simon were nice students who would give him a second chance as well as try to see Simon's side and I also knew that Simon needed some social skills and filters. After a series of meetings we came up with several very promising strategies.
By the end of the year Simon had developed better social skills and some friends and the students did not get on the conflict escalator. Just a side note Simon had to move at the end of 4th grade.
The first step was to meet with the students individually and hear their thoughts about what was going on. Although Simon had missed the series of lessons about conflict and conflict resolution he was able to state very clearly what he wanted. Friends ! In one of our sessions I gave him a mini lesson about conflict stating that conflicts happen when you don't get what you want and that it seems like he was now in a conflict with several of his classmates.
I did not meet with the other students in a group. It is tempting to do so since all students had complaints about Simon and it takes much time meeting with them individually but it is important not to set up situations where it appears to be a group against one. Each student had their own personal conflict and the solution might be different for each.
As I met with the other individuals we looked at what they wanted and looked at the conflict escalator to see if they had taken Simon's invitation onto the escalator and gone up. Most all of the students had responded by making rude, hurtful comments back to Simon. Reinforcing the point that going up the conflict escalator both students end up not getting what they wanted we set out to figure a way down.
First, we met in pairs as each student shared what they wanted and we talked about ways it could work. Some students just wanted an apology from Simon, others wanted him to stop and most wanted to have him leave them alone. Simon shared each time that he wanted friends. I knew the students who were unhappy with Simon were nice students who would give him a second chance as well as try to see Simon's side and I also knew that Simon needed some social skills and filters. After a series of meetings we came up with several very promising strategies.
- One of the students volunteered to get to know Simon and if Simon "went too far" with his curiosity and questions the boy would give Simon an "I message". In turn Simon began to develop some filters of acceptable interactions.
- Simon joined the Boy's Sand Tray Group which helped him to build relationships with the other students.
- Students agreed to see things from Simon's perspective since he was new and didn't know the history his classmates. They realized that much of his curiosity and questions were about getting to know them rather than making fun of them.
- We set a check in period of one month to see how things were going.
By the end of the year Simon had developed better social skills and some friends and the students did not get on the conflict escalator. Just a side note Simon had to move at the end of 4th grade.