Parents Divorcing
Today the number of children who are from divorced families often out numbers of those from two parent families. These students must learn a wide variety of skills to help them adapt and to cope with the everyday changes while still managing their emotions of loss, guilt and blame. Students from divorced families are often found in the middle of conflict, stress and hardship and benefit greatly from support.
As counselors we are there to provide that support in a variety of ways. Emotional support, especially for those who are just finding out about the parent's divorce and organizational strategies for those students who are managing two homes are often the top two.
Often the referrals to see the counselor come from the parents which is helpful in opening up communications between student, teacher and counselor. However, there are times that the student will self refer or the teacher will make the referral after seeing sudden changes in the student's behavior or work production. In the case of student or teacher referral it is highly recommended to contact both parents to let them know that you will be working with the student. It is also important to share the same information with both parents.
Newly Separated or Divorced
Organization Strategies
Students find it difficult to manage their materials when switching between two homes. They must learn to live with two different styles of family rules, bedtimes, homework schedules etc. This is especially true for those students who alternate in the middle of the week from one parent's home to another. These students need someone (the counselor) to create a organizational system that will enable them to keep track of their assignments, materials, books, etc. Even something as simple as having tennis shoes for gym day can become a battle.
As counselors we are there to provide that support in a variety of ways. Emotional support, especially for those who are just finding out about the parent's divorce and organizational strategies for those students who are managing two homes are often the top two.
Often the referrals to see the counselor come from the parents which is helpful in opening up communications between student, teacher and counselor. However, there are times that the student will self refer or the teacher will make the referral after seeing sudden changes in the student's behavior or work production. In the case of student or teacher referral it is highly recommended to contact both parents to let them know that you will be working with the student. It is also important to share the same information with both parents.
Newly Separated or Divorced
- Students are often confused by the series of events leading up to the separation or divorce. Often the student feels he/she is the reason for the divorce. During these individual sessions it is helpful to educate the student, often through picture books, about divorce. Here is a nice list of books for all ages and developmental stages: http://barrharris.org/for-your-child/books-about-divorce-for-children/
- Students especially like using the sandtray in Individual counseling to show what they are thinking, feeling or experiencing. It is often difficult for the student to put into words how their world is changing. Often the student will make battle scenes in the sand tray, or show two separate scenes with one lone figure in the middle. This process helps the student work through various feelings and emotions.
- Students will have a lot of unanswered questions as they learn of the parents recent plans for separation or divorce. In some sessions it is helpful to write down all their questions, even those that may not be appropriate. One of the goals in individual sessions is to help the student sort out their emotions and confusion and to establish a plan to open communication between parent and child. Using this strategy the counselor acts as a scribe and records all the questions. Together they decide which are the most important to have answered and come up with a time, place to talk to parents about the concerns.
- Many times the student is torn between both parents. He/she feels a certain loyalty towards one parent but fearful of losing the other. Look for changes in behavior such as student not wanting to come to school for fear of losing parent. This is especially true in the primary grades. Student may become more clingy to parents. In addition, student may demonstrate new aggression and/or defiant behavior towards one or both of the parents. As a counselor the type of support you provide may be helping the student establish a behavior plan.
- One of the most effective strategies is for student to become part of a small group counseling for Changing Families. Here the students discover they are not alone. They will learn coping strategies and gain a better understanding that they are not to blame for the parents' separation or divorce. They will learn about their role (such as they do not have to take care of parents emotions or be the substitute parent).
Organization Strategies
Students find it difficult to manage their materials when switching between two homes. They must learn to live with two different styles of family rules, bedtimes, homework schedules etc. This is especially true for those students who alternate in the middle of the week from one parent's home to another. These students need someone (the counselor) to create a organizational system that will enable them to keep track of their assignments, materials, books, etc. Even something as simple as having tennis shoes for gym day can become a battle.
- What's working? What's Not Working? The first step is taking an overview assessment of what is working for them and what is not working. Talk with the teachers, parents, and student to find out where the glitches are occurring. Once this list is created, prioritize to find out which are the most important to tackle first.
- Create a plan of action. It is impossible to list all the creative solutions here. Often it is just getting two pairs of an item; making copies of all assignments and having it at both homes.
- Review Organizational skills page for resources to share with student.
From My Counseling Room
Sean was a student that I had worked with for academic concerns. He was a late bloomer. Slow to read and write. He was well liked and had good athletic skills. I worked closely with his parents in the early years, especially prior to Sean qualifying for Learning Disabilities Classes. One evening Sean walked in on his parents and saw his mother weeping. Confused and concerned he wanted to comfort her but the father sent him away. Little did Sean know, his father had just requested a divorce from his mother.
The next day Sean's mother contacted me and shared her shocking news.
Later in the week the parents shared the information with their children. Sean did not want to leave his mother's side. He refused to come to school. He was also very close to his father and was upset that his dad was moving out. The following Monday mom brought Sean to my office before school started. Mom stayed and we talked about how he had to come to school but we worked out a system where once a day Sean could call his mom to check in. Interestingly though once the school day began Sean showed no sign of needing to call home. In fact the teacher reported that he was behaving as if nothing had changed in his life.
I invited Sean to my room the following day. He was jolly at school although mom reported at home he was sad and clingy. It was pretty clear that Sean wanted to keep his emotions in check at school. He said at school he could pretend everything was the same. I told Sean I would support his decision to handle the changes in his family in that way but that it might be helpful each morning as he passed my room on his way to class to check in with me, just in case.
One day Sean asked if he could see me. When we met he had a lot of questions about what had happened. He was very angry at his father who told him it would all work out just fine and very worried about his mother who was crying a lot. He asked me to share his list of questions with his parents in hopes that they would talk to him. When I spoke with the parents all agreed that it would be helpful to include Sean (who they wanted to protect his feelings) with more of the logistics. Many of Sean's questions had to do with where he would be living, when he would see his father, etc.
Although it seemed Sean would need TLC as he went through the shock of his parents divorce he actually needed a sense of normalcy and structure. Once his questions were answered he could move forward. His parents, however, did begin family counseling sessions which were a big help for the long term healing.
The next day Sean's mother contacted me and shared her shocking news.
Later in the week the parents shared the information with their children. Sean did not want to leave his mother's side. He refused to come to school. He was also very close to his father and was upset that his dad was moving out. The following Monday mom brought Sean to my office before school started. Mom stayed and we talked about how he had to come to school but we worked out a system where once a day Sean could call his mom to check in. Interestingly though once the school day began Sean showed no sign of needing to call home. In fact the teacher reported that he was behaving as if nothing had changed in his life.
I invited Sean to my room the following day. He was jolly at school although mom reported at home he was sad and clingy. It was pretty clear that Sean wanted to keep his emotions in check at school. He said at school he could pretend everything was the same. I told Sean I would support his decision to handle the changes in his family in that way but that it might be helpful each morning as he passed my room on his way to class to check in with me, just in case.
One day Sean asked if he could see me. When we met he had a lot of questions about what had happened. He was very angry at his father who told him it would all work out just fine and very worried about his mother who was crying a lot. He asked me to share his list of questions with his parents in hopes that they would talk to him. When I spoke with the parents all agreed that it would be helpful to include Sean (who they wanted to protect his feelings) with more of the logistics. Many of Sean's questions had to do with where he would be living, when he would see his father, etc.
Although it seemed Sean would need TLC as he went through the shock of his parents divorce he actually needed a sense of normalcy and structure. Once his questions were answered he could move forward. His parents, however, did begin family counseling sessions which were a big help for the long term healing.