Wanting Friends
Reading, Writing and Arithmetic may be the desired outcome of teachers but having friends is what is very important to the students. There are several things a counseling program can provide that will support students in reaching their friendship goals.
First, through comprehensive monthly Guidance Lessons on Social Skills, especially on the topic of Friendship, the students, at an early age, build a strong foundation. In kindergarten students are read stories with friendship themes and messages woven within. The conflict resolution series in First and Second grade set the stage for developing strong social skills and ways to get along with others. Third grade guidance lesson focus directly on Friendship skills. Fourth grade deals with barriers to friendship such as teasing and bullying. Fifth and Sixth grade lessons deal with cooperative learning and working in groups.
Secondly, by providing many counseling groups on social skills, friendship development, etc students have opportunities to connect and build relationships with other classmates in small, structured group setting. In addition, students can try new social skills or change behaviors that may not be working for them in a supportive environment.
In the Individual sessions the counselor and student streamline the issues and concerns and formulate options that will help the student with his/her friendship concerns. These concerns are wide ranging from being too shy to approach a possible friend to wanting to change friends without hurting others.
The main message in helping a student with friendship concerns is instilling a sense of hope and skills building. Many students do not understand that they are expected to take action, often the first step, in making a friend. There is a process that occurs from determining who might be a good choice of a friend to setting up specific play dates.
Here is a sample of several sessions in helping a student make a friend.
Session One
Session Two
Session Three
Between Sessions
Session Four
Most of the students who are wanting friends just need a boost or an extra hand at helping them connect. Those students who are lacking in social skills may need more specific skills training which would be part of the plan and practice sequence. As counselors it is our role to provide that helping hand.
First, through comprehensive monthly Guidance Lessons on Social Skills, especially on the topic of Friendship, the students, at an early age, build a strong foundation. In kindergarten students are read stories with friendship themes and messages woven within. The conflict resolution series in First and Second grade set the stage for developing strong social skills and ways to get along with others. Third grade guidance lesson focus directly on Friendship skills. Fourth grade deals with barriers to friendship such as teasing and bullying. Fifth and Sixth grade lessons deal with cooperative learning and working in groups.
Secondly, by providing many counseling groups on social skills, friendship development, etc students have opportunities to connect and build relationships with other classmates in small, structured group setting. In addition, students can try new social skills or change behaviors that may not be working for them in a supportive environment.
In the Individual sessions the counselor and student streamline the issues and concerns and formulate options that will help the student with his/her friendship concerns. These concerns are wide ranging from being too shy to approach a possible friend to wanting to change friends without hurting others.
The main message in helping a student with friendship concerns is instilling a sense of hope and skills building. Many students do not understand that they are expected to take action, often the first step, in making a friend. There is a process that occurs from determining who might be a good choice of a friend to setting up specific play dates.
Here is a sample of several sessions in helping a student make a friend.
Session One
- The counselor spends time listening and reflecting on the students thoughts and feelings. This is an important, but often skipped step. The student who sends a referral (or is referred by parent or teacher) is often very discouraged and feeling very alone.
- These are the students who are often sitting alone at the lunch table while groups cluster together or are the last chosen for the kickball team. These are the students who have no partner when the teacher says to pair up with someone.
- After hearing the student share his/her thoughts and feelings share with the student that as a counselor you have a lot of ideas and ways to help and that in the next few visits, together we will come up with the best fit for them.
- Meanwhile, give an assignment. Have the student look around and try to find one or two people that might be a good fit for a friend. Tell the student that you are also going to be thinking about that as well.
Session Two
- Tell the student that in this session he/she will be getting some background information about making friends. Share that it might be a surprise to hear that friends don't just happen automatically. It might seem like it but everyone has to do something for friendships to get started.
- Show the presentation How to Make Friends and talk about the different slides to find out where the main concern might be for the student.
- If time talk about who might make a good friend. If the student has no choices review the class list encouraging the student to share his/her thoughts and feelings about the students.
- Some counselors may view this activity as unethical (talking about other students) but in this case the student is searching for someone to connect with and the process is often very helpful for both the student and counselor. (As a counselor you will get insight into the student you are working with. Is he being too judgmental? Is she overlooking someone who is seeking out friends as well? Is the student shy? Is the student misreading cues?
- Help the student to look for clues such as finding a student who sits at the table group or on the same bus.
- Help the student to determine an interest that another classmate may have and see if that might be a good fit?
Session Three
- Come up with a plan based on what you've learned so far.
- Using small steps determine a good starting place.
- The student may need to practice meeting and greeting. The student may need to practice conversation starters (provide some sentence stems and practice with puppets.
- By the end of the session there should be a plan of action that has been practiced a few time. This plan can be very simple say hi to three possible friends. Another example could be the student will invite possible new friend to swing at recess.
- Arrange for silent symbol to indicate how plan is working so that between the session the counselor can check in with the student to see how things are progressing.
Between Sessions
- Seek out student for feedback.
- Speak with teacher and parents about plan. Teachers can be very helpful in this process by pairing students up in work groups, seating charts, and even sending the two possible friends out on a mission to deliver a note together etc. Parents can arrange play dates or activities.
Session Four
- Talk about how the plan has gone. It may take time and more tips but in most cases the student will connect with another classmate. It is helpful to watch the other friendship presentations as follow up. See How to Keep a Friend and How to Be a Good Friend.
Most of the students who are wanting friends just need a boost or an extra hand at helping them connect. Those students who are lacking in social skills may need more specific skills training which would be part of the plan and practice sequence. As counselors it is our role to provide that helping hand.
From My Counseling Room
Claire was a very shy third grader who wanted a best friend more than anything. She sat on the end of the table in the lunchroom, nibbling her sandwich as she read her favorite books. She would glance at the girls laughing and chatting wishing she could be part of them. At recess she sat on a bench and continued reading.
In our discussions we talked about some of her interest. Since books filled her social life it seemed like the best place to start. Claire's assignment was to explore which books her classmates were reading and to find someone who seemed to like the same books she liked. (American Girl stories). It so happened that in her class there were not any girls who liked that series. Together we took a visit to the library and talked to the librarian. The librarian shared that in the other third grade classes there were several girls who checked out the books often. Claire knew who these girls were since they had been in 2nd grade together but never been friends.
Although I don't do many Lunch Bunch type groups I decided it would be a good way to get the girls together. I asked the third grade teachers to announce that I would be doing an American Girl Book Talk session during one of the lunch periods. The girls were to bring their favorite American Girl book to the book talk. Five girls showed up, including Claire. Friendships formed over shared interest and the girls quickly formed a bond.
They asked if they could continue meeting for lunch but I said no so they decided to meet at recess. At first the girls met and talked about the books they had read but quickly turned into acting out the American Girl books and Saturday play dates.
In our discussions we talked about some of her interest. Since books filled her social life it seemed like the best place to start. Claire's assignment was to explore which books her classmates were reading and to find someone who seemed to like the same books she liked. (American Girl stories). It so happened that in her class there were not any girls who liked that series. Together we took a visit to the library and talked to the librarian. The librarian shared that in the other third grade classes there were several girls who checked out the books often. Claire knew who these girls were since they had been in 2nd grade together but never been friends.
Although I don't do many Lunch Bunch type groups I decided it would be a good way to get the girls together. I asked the third grade teachers to announce that I would be doing an American Girl Book Talk session during one of the lunch periods. The girls were to bring their favorite American Girl book to the book talk. Five girls showed up, including Claire. Friendships formed over shared interest and the girls quickly formed a bond.
They asked if they could continue meeting for lunch but I said no so they decided to meet at recess. At first the girls met and talked about the books they had read but quickly turned into acting out the American Girl books and Saturday play dates.